Sundays Turn Me Into a Blubbering Boob

8/4/13

Basically I cry a lot at church. Today was the last fast Sunday that I will be attending my home ward, for sure, before I go back to school. It's actually kinda freaking me out. Wait, I need to go back for this to make sense. 

Last week I didn't go to church. My parents were out of town and I was home alone because I had things to do, namely finish out scrapbooks. I didn't go because after a year of going to church by yourself, you kinda get tired of it. And family wards are different than singles wards, it just seems wrong to go alone. Instead I stayed home and watched the Joseph Smith movie. Amanda has been taking about it in her blog and stuff so I decided to look it up on YouTube because I didn't know where my DVD was. (Btw it is very edited on YouTube, the DVD is better) I bawled my eyes out. It got me thinking about missionary work and my own callings and everything. I also got the revelation that I should bear my testimony at sacrament the next fast Sunday. Hence we come to today. 

I sat on the pew with my dad and debates with myself whether or not the Spirit was telling me to bear my testimony or not. I had just written it to Em and Amanda, did I need to bear it in front of all my ward members and the visitors that's were there for the baby blessing? Eventually I got told that I did. I was crying before I even got up to speak. I always, ALWAYS, cry when bearing my testimony, but today was particularly bad. I got even more squeaky than I usually do and I expect that I scared a few people. I would be a bad missionary because I would just cry all the time. 

Since I got up I have been crying off and on. This is the dialogue that's been going in my head between me and my brain. It has a mind of its own. 

"Singing a hymn? Have some tears. Another person talking? Cry some more. Talking about church history? Remember your grammie and cry like it was April all over again." Says my brain

"Curse you, you stupid mass of meat that controls my emotions and listens to the Spirit talking to me and showing it in me sweating out of my eyes." I reply as I wipe my eyes and avoid any eye contact. 

This has happened a lot on Sundays lately. I do anything that remotely let's me feel the Spirit and I cry. I should invest in tissues because I use them so much. 

Me having a tender heart is better for other people. That way I can feel sympathy for others and can help those in pain. But when it's just me and my thoughts it's a curse. A curse that manifests in the form of my face becoming a little river. 

So if anyone in my ward is reading this, I'm sorry I cry so much, it's not my fault. My brain tries to kill me. 

-Korrin